January 1, 2017
Note: This column was co-written with Elliott Hamilton.
Like it or not, we do have to share the country with Democrats. Sure, there’s been talk of California seceding from the Union–and reading strange headlines like “California Democrats legalize child prostitution” you almost feel inclined to push them out. But the fact is, for all their preening over transgender bathrooms and gluten-free goodness, deep down, leftists know that Whole Foods can’t supplant aircraft carriers, and they need God-fearing men with scary guns to secure their freedoms.
So here a list of New Year’s Resolutions for our friends on the other side of the aisle – the self-proclaimed tolerant – to make them more… tolerable. Who knows, follow these, and you may yet win elections.
- Tell Lena Dunham to go away.
Just one question: Which aspect of Lena Dunham’s persona did Hillary Clinton perceive as an asset to her campaign?
Was it the fact that she fabricated a story about being raped by a college Republican? Or perhaps how she described sexually abusing her own sister in the pages of her memoir? Maybe Hillary just wanted another multi-millionaire celebrity who revels in self-victimization to reach out to working-class Americans in the rust belt?
This was said after the election, but it’s an actual, direct quote from Lena Dunham: “…I still haven’t had an abortion, but I wish I had.”
Lena Dunham didn’t win Hillary a single voter (including Lena Dunham herself who hilariously didn’t vote) who wasn’t already a lifelong Democrat. Her blunt moral delinquency was a bigger liability to the Clinton campaign than pneumonia.
Juxtapose these two headlines from CNN.
October 29, 2016: Lena Dunham to campaign for Hillary Clinton in North Carolina
November 9, 2016: How Trump Won
- Don’t overuse intersectionality. Gendering glaciersmakes you sound out of touch with reality.
It seems very easy to claim that various groups of people are being oppressed by shadowy figures, and that everything bad in this world is connected by some evil masculine entity maliciously known as “the patriarchy.” However, when you start claiming that environmental issues can be connected to sexism, you start running down a rabbit hole that would make Alice’s journey seem like a walk in the park. There are ways to address issues of racism and sexism in this country, but there’s a better chance that pigs will fly rocket ships to Pluto than that someone will find legitimate evidence to back a theory that attempts to link the two.
- Recognize that other people have the same right to speak their mind as you do.
As you’re likely aware, this country has this incredible thing codified in the Constitution; it’s called the First Amendment. Under it, you have every right to talk about genders ranging from males to mayonnaise without being punished by the government or private entities. It’s that same First Amendment that gives conservatives, classical liberals, and other non-progressives the right to challenge your beliefs respectfully. Trying to shut others down because you got microaggressed by allegedly racist, sexist, bigoted, and homophobic rhetoric does not make you look more brave, it makes you look like a fascist–and nobody, including yourselves supposedly, likes fascism.
- Understand that nobody is more or less moral and pure because of their identity
For some reason, many of you seem convinced that anyone who isn’t white, Christian, Jewish, or cis-male carries more moral authority simply on the basis of their identity. You seem to believe that people should be treated differently on the basis of their skin color, and that they must be treated with kid gloves in order not to offend, and to make them feel good about themselves. There is a word for such behavior: Racism.
Not only is this behavior racist against anyone who looks white, but it’s also racist against minorities because you treat them like noble savages who should not be held to the same moral standards as the white guy. The same concept applies to sexism. If you honestly believe that women have a license to say despicable things about men, or that they should be the only ones who have the right to talk about the choice to terminate a pregnancy, then you are making a mockery out of yourself. Instead of focusing on the physical differences between human beings, start judging people by the basis of their character, and their ideas. A great man, whom we should all admire, once saidhe hoped to see a word where character mattered more than color.
- Stay clear of Black Lives Matter’s polemics. It does not help anyone.
The entire “black lives matter” shtick has done nothing more than endanger police lives and give leeway to violent rioters, driving businesses out of inner cities. Hillary Clinton saying she would lecture white people about racism didn’t win her one vote. She did far worse than Obama with minorities, while Trump gained support!
No rational American believes the lives of black people don’t matter. Police officers are just like any other citizens. They’re trying to do their job, and provide for their families. Most of them are great people; some of them aren’t. We want to weed out the bad ones as much as you do.
So instead of painting all of law enforcement as unmitigated racists, conspiring on a national level in an effort to wantonly execute black people, let’s actually work toward a common cause in 2017. Bodycams are a great idea with bipartisan support, as well as investigation of corruption in public police unions.
I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but (just this once) LISTEN TO BERNIE SANDERS. Here’s some of what he said after the election:
“I come from the white working class, and I am deeply humiliated that the Democratic Party cannot talk to the people where I came from.”
That’s right. Calling everyone who disagrees with you on policy a virulent racist, homophobic, sexist Nazi is not a winning strategy. If we say we don’t like Obamacare, that doesn’t mean we don’t want people having access to affordable healthcare, we just don’t think Obamacare is the way to do it.
Going forward in 2017, here’s a thought: Debate your ideas. Don’t chide Republicans atop your moral high horse, shrieking about how much your desire for an idealist utopia makes you a better person.
Though true that your liberal bubble’s resident comrades reinforce your every whim, complementing your virtue, take our word for it, the rest of the country can’t stand you. So in the spirit of the Christmas season and the New Year, we thought we’d share these handy tips.
Follow them, and who knows, in four years you might win an election and go back to not caring about abuse of executive power, Putin’s expansionist ambitions, government surveillance programs, or state’s rights. We understand how exhausting it can be to actually have to criticize a president!
One last reminder for 2017
Happy New Year!